2004-08-27

Dream me a dream

My dreams are never all that odd, and mostly far too real. Last night I dreamt about a guy from work, someone who joined about a fortnight ago. The noteworthy thing about New Guy, is that he went to my secondary school. There were two kind of cliques at the upper end of our school social scale. The first were the ones who were popular based upon being athletic and pretty and cool. Then there were the ones, like New Guy, who were popular because they'd kick the shit out of anyone who slagged them off.

I'd made a pact with myself, that I'd never meet any person who was from that 90% of the school who were more popular than me until I'd made a "success" of myself. I had to be rich, and attatched, and secure in my person. New Guy has kind of pay to that. But I figured I'd deal with. He's only the one, after all, and it's a little difficult to be intimidated intellectually by someone who you saw beat a worm to death with a hockey stick in PE.

In the dream, I was on a bus with The Girls, and he was sat behind me. I think he called me a "minger" when I got off the bus, to which my response was "at least I'm not a fucker". Go Dream Me! But then, in my dream, I was in tears, really upset. Not for what was said, but for the fact that what he had said had really got to me. I was actually crying, right there in my dream, because I could still be hurt by someone who I have no connection to, by someone who I don't even really speak to at work.

I think the dream was telling me that I can whitewashover my insecurities all I want. I can fervently beleive, quite correctly, that it really doesn't matter what people think of you, because there is no league table out there, no standard of what makes a person better than everyone else. I can try to stop caring what people think of my, and make some progress (with some pride that I have) in that respect. But there in my subconcious, is the fact that I'm still a scared 14 year old girl. Wanting to know the secret of being the in crowd. Wanting to know how to be, feel, seem, normal.

Bugger me, I was glad when I woke up!

10:30 a.m.

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